· Excessive use of contemporary clichés. While watching some inane reality show a few months back, I lost track of the program’s purpose because I began counting the number of times the participants used the phrase, “Oh my God!” I also counted the number of times people mouthed the phrase without actually speaking. I turned the channel after reaching 100. This phrase annoys me so much that I actually complemented someone this week when they exclaimed, “holy crap!”
· Mispronouncing the word “moot.” The pronunciation should be obvious, but when the word pops up in casual discussion people often say “mute,” especially when using the contemporary cliché (see above), “That’s a mute [sic] point.” Now that I think of it, I suppose that if you mouth the phrase “Oh my God!” without actually speaking, someone could accuse you of making a mute point.
· Don’t take it personally. This phrase usually follows a personal insult or attack. For example: “What were you thinking when you proposed such a dumb idea? Don’t take it personally.” The phrase relieves the user of accountability.
· Don’t be so defensive: This phrase usually follows one’s response to a personal insult or attack. The phrase relieves the user of accountability. For example:
“What were you thinking when you proposed such a dumb idea?”
“What?”
“Don’t take it personally.”
“Why do you think it was such a bad idea?”
“Don’t be so defensive.”
· Excessive use of verbs of being by bestselling authors. Since I am not a bestselling author, I probably have no right to comment. I will anyway. Walk into a bookstore—any bookstore. Pick up the hottest new bestseller from the display that always confronts you the moment you enter the store. Open the book to a random page. Read. You will often find something like this: She was concerned that he was no longer interested in her proposition. She was not sure that he was to be trusted, but he was an expert in the field after all, and there was no reason not to be trusting. As she thought of these things, she noticed that the room was cold, and that she was not as comfortable as she would like to be. You get the idea. Yuck.
· Excessive use of similes by bestselling authors. I won’t quibble about the subtle differences between metaphors and similes. I’m not sure that I care. Let’s just say that a writer creates a simile by comparing two essentially unlike things. The key words to look for are “like” and “as.” Somehow, most of us have come to believe that good writing is loaded with similes. I don’t mind a few similes, but sometimes they are truly ridiculous. I have fabricated the following examples from memory to make my point:
His tie flapped in the breeze like the leaves of a palm tree during a hurricane. (That could really hurt)
She flitted across the floor like a smooth rock skipping on the surface of a calm lake. (I hope she doesn’t sink when she stops flitting.)
They gathered around the table as lions gather around the kill. (If this is true, then the men should eat first while the women wait.)
He attacked his work like a platoon of soldiers making a frontal assault. (I hope his work survives the attack.)
· Grammar snobs. As you may know, I study grammar as little as necessary—although I do find it unavoidable from time to time and have studied a number of books on the subject. It therefore annoys me when someone dominates a meeting or discussion with incessant grammar snobbery. Who cares if it’s a present participle or a gerund? So what if you’ve split an infinitive? I say that clarity and grace are the priorities, not grammar. Call me a graceandclarity snob if you will, but I promise that I’ll never think I’m better than you.
I could go on, but long bullet lists annoy me too. Please let me know if something annoys you, and I might write about it.
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