Not Yet Famous Quotations About Writing

I experienced a startling epiphany yesterday morning. The only reason that I remain an unknown author is because I’ve never published any pithy quotations. Well, I intend to rectify this grievous omission today. I therefore present the following quotations, which I expect you will find both instructive and amusing at the same time.

“My greatest desire is to write a symphony. But that’s never going to happen so I wrote  a novel instead.”  Rich Ritter

“As a writer, one of my gifts is the ability to revise perfectly good prose into drivel.”  Rich Ritter 

Revising the third draft of Nor Things to Come: A Trilogy of the American West

“Because not one literary agent has expressed even the slightest interest to represent me, I enjoy the singular privilege of writing whatever I want whenever I want.”  Rich Ritter

“After finishing a novel, a novella, and an epic trilogy on the family computer, I should buy a laptop to prove to my friends that I’m serious about writing.”  Rich Ritter

“I cherish the characters I create. When they succeed, I rejoice. When they struggle, I ache. When they die, I grieve. A psychiatrist might see delusional behavior, but I prefer to imagine that my love of fictional beings is a symptom of genius.”  Rich Ritter

You may use these quotations without my permission, but only if you give me proper credit. Thank you.

And Now For Something Completely Different: A Modified Grip for the Thumbless Percussionist

I admit it. This post is not exactly about writing. And it is more of a pictorial essay than a written one. I should also explain that I'm an amateur percussionist, just so you don’t get the wrong idea.

After a bit of surgery in June 2012, I found it impractical to play the keyboard instruments (marimba, xylophone, vibraphone, glockenspiel) by gripping the mallet between thumb and index finger. This photo should clarify the issue:

A few months following the procedure, I began experimenting with alternate grips that did not require use of the thumb. Here is one example of something I tried, which is derived from the Stevens four-mallet grip:

Although a necessary part of four-mallet technique, I found this grip awkward when holding one mallet. After a few more failed attempts, I discovered the following grip:

 

This modified grip has worked for me, and I now use it with both hands to provide a more balanced sound. I should note that this grip has not worked on snare drum because a drumstick is much thicker than a keyboard mallet and does not ride comfortably between the index and second finger. I have therefore continued to use the traditional grip on snare. As a result, my long rolls—which were never anything to brag about—are rougher than before the surgery, and my right hand still lacks stamina more than a year later.

Fortunately, I can still hold a tambourine comfortably in my right hand. And since my thumb rolls always sucked, nothing has changed.

I’ll get back to you if I come up with something completely different for snare drum.

Nor Things to Come: A Novel of the West

I should have mentioned this weeks ago, but several important distractions prevented me from doing so. After 40 months (give or take a few days) of dedicated work, I finished the final chapter of Nor Things to Come: A Novel of the West on July 16, 2013. I completed the epilogue three days later. Two friends, and my wife, are currently proofreading the 783-page manuscript. I expect they will require several months to finish the job. Final tally: prologue, 63 chapters, epilogue, 3 parts, 265,833 words, seven primary characters, dozens of secondary characters, a fictional book-within-a-book, history, comedy, tragedy, romance, murder, betrayal, redemption, horses, two cats, and a mongrel of a dog. I plan to send the revised manuscript to the publisher by late November.

And because my son advised me to include more photographs in this blog, I offer you the following picturesque view of Silver City, Idaho:

A Few Things That Really Annoy Me

Most of the time I’m uncommonly patient. Some have even noted that my ability to remain calm in nearly any situation approaches the pathological. But I must confess that my natural patience is not as endless as others might perceive. There are a number of things that really annoy me. I offer the following list for your consideration:

·        Excessive use of contemporary clichés. While watching some inane reality show a few months back, I lost track of the program’s purpose because I began counting the number of times the participants used the phrase, “Oh my God!” I also counted the number of times people mouthed the phrase without actually speaking. I turned the channel after reaching 100. This phrase annoys me so much that I actually complemented someone this week when they exclaimed, “holy crap!”

·        Mispronouncing the word “moot.” The pronunciation should be obvious, but when the word pops up in casual discussion people often say “mute,” especially when using the contemporary cliché (see above), “That’s a mute [sic] point.” Now that I think of it, I suppose that if you mouth the phrase “Oh my God!” without actually speaking, someone could accuse you of making a mute point.

·        Don’t take it personally. This phrase usually follows a personal insult or attack. For example: “What were you thinking when you proposed such a dumb idea? Don’t take it personally.” The phrase relieves the user of accountability.

·        Don’t be so defensive: This phrase usually follows one’s response to a personal insult or attack. The phrase relieves the user of accountability. For example:

“What were you thinking when you proposed such a dumb idea?”

“What?”

“Don’t take it personally.”

“Why do you think it was such a bad idea?”

“Don’t be so defensive.”

·        Excessive use of verbs of being by bestselling authors. Since I am not a bestselling author, I probably have no right to comment. I will anyway. Walk into a bookstore—any bookstore. Pick up the hottest new bestseller from the display that always confronts you the moment you enter the store. Open the book to a random page. Read. You will often find something like this: She was concerned that he was no longer interested in her proposition. She was not sure that he was to be trusted, but he was an expert in the field after all, and there was no reason not to be trusting. As she thought of these things, she noticed that the room was cold, and that she was not as comfortable as she would like to be. You get the idea. Yuck.

·        Excessive use of similes by bestselling authors. I won’t quibble about the subtle differences between metaphors and similes. I’m not sure that I care. Let’s just say that a writer creates a simile by comparing two essentially unlike things. The key words to look for are “like” and “as.” Somehow, most of us have come to believe that good writing is loaded with similes. I don’t mind a few similes, but sometimes they are truly ridiculous. I have fabricated the following examples from memory to make my point:

His tie flapped in the breeze like the leaves of a palm tree during a hurricane. (That could really hurt)

She flitted across the floor like a smooth rock skipping on the surface of a calm lake. (I hope she doesn’t sink when she stops flitting.)

They gathered around the table as lions gather around the kill. (If this is true, then the men should eat first while the women wait.)

He attacked his work like a platoon of soldiers making a frontal assault. (I hope his work survives the attack.)

·        Grammar snobs. As you may know, I study grammar as little as necessary—although I do find it unavoidable from time to time and have studied a number of books on the subject. It therefore annoys me when someone dominates a meeting or discussion with incessant grammar snobbery. Who cares if it’s a present participle or a gerund? So what if you’ve split an infinitive? I say that clarity and grace are the priorities, not grammar. Call me a graceandclarity snob if you will, but I promise that I’ll never think I’m better than you.

I could go on, but long bullet lists annoy me too. Please let me know if something annoys you, and I might write about it.